Under Renovation

I'm trying this on my iPad today because there is no other way to get everyone out of my hair other than to surrender all other electronic devices including my laptop. If it will ensure 2 hours of peace and quiet*, it will be worth it to give this a try. My only obstacles are auto-correct (which I now see I’m going to have to temporarily disabled), limited cursor control, and the clicking sound of each letter I type which seems to be growing ever louder with each sentence I type. I wonder if I can turn that off too….

Success! Now where was I?

I woke up rested this morning after 8+ hours of intermittent sleep and I didn't need a Fitbit to tell me about it later because I was fully aware of my restlessness all night. Thankfully, I don't seem to be suffering because of it. Wonder what that was about….

When I went down to make coffee, my daughter was already awake and watching Fixer Upper on HGTV while simultaneously looking at realtor.com on my laptop. It should be no surprise that with these interests she wants to be a lawyer…not because it's a profession that meshes with her hobbies, but because it will financially support her expensive taste in…everything.

Actually, I don't have any problem with her watching Fixer Upper, because I love it too. Why, you ask? Well, what's not to love? Creative, funny, authentic people helping other likable people turn something ugly and forgotten into something beautiful and useful. Watch away, sweet daughter and soak up the inspiration. I do find it interesting that there is a show on television which features people (Chip and Joanna Gaines) who don’t actually own a television set. This fact is not advertised on the show (not surprising), I learned that little tidbit later. It's probably why they get so much done, though, and they seem to get a lot done with the same 24 hours the rest of us have.

They run a 40-acre farm with chickens and goats (which always seem to be giving birth). Joanna owns and runs a retail shop. Together, they run a construction and design business. They have FOUR young children and in their spare time they let camera crews follow them around to document the work they do. Oh…and they apparently sit down for family dinner together every night no matter what. If I didn't understand TV editing, I’d be downright intimidated. But I do understand TV editing so I know there is more to their story. That does not, however, prevent me from being genuinely inspired by the vocational nature of their work. There is definitely a sense that this isn't just a career path…it's a mission. I always admire people who find meaning in work that they love – meaning beyond financial benefit – then find a way to earn a living doing it.

I guess that’s kind of what I'm trying to do here. I am writing because I have always had a deep need to do so. I love to take my own jumbled up words and ideas and turn them into something with form and life and even, perhaps, utility, but I have never found a good outlet for my particular style. I have blogged before but only about single subjects (namely swimming and running) and to be honest, I am almost never inspired to write about the same thing two days in a row (as you have probably noticed); eventually I lose interest in the topic.

I never lose interest in writing itself…I just get bored when I limit myself to one muse.

Just as the Gaines take a pile of wood and nails and create a beautiful and unique house for each client, I feel called to build with language, but I really have to channel my inner psychopath in order to feel comfortable sharing each creation. It's helpful not to care what other people think when I’m building, designing, and finishing my thoughts into a little house which will stand in the virtual neighborhood of the Internet. Whether it's a fictional story or an essay about something real, it is born of me and, thus, personal. If I begin by treating it as a commodity – where its value is measured by how much someone else likes it – then it's like surrendering my own value to the whims of the marketplace. And let's be honest…the marketplace is not always kind. However, if I choose to believe that the products of my brain and heart have exactly as much value as I give them, and then they happen to appeal to a broader audience, the foundation of the house won't be so fragile in the long-term. The marketplace is fine for establishing real estate prices, but it has no role in determining my self-worth…or anyone else's for that matter.

The reason I'm sharing this is because while we were at lunch yesterday someone asked me what I did (for a living) and I hesitated. It was probably only for a second or two, but it was just enough time for the obnoxious DJ over at KFKD radio to offer up the following advice to me:

Don't say you're a writer

You're just a stay-at-home-mom who needs to get a job

You’re a fraud

But I ignored him…sort of…and said, “I'm trying to be a writer.” Now I realize that isn't as confident as saying, “I am a writer,” but I'm going to cut myself some slack because I too am something of an old house that has been forgotten (mostly by myself) and I'm still mid-renovation. Anyway, her response wasn't at all what I expected. Instead of giving an awkward smile and asking what I write about or who I work for, she asked, “What do you like about writing?”

Her question was startling to me and yet, I didn't miss a beat (probably because I didn't want to give KFKD a second opportunity to take advantage of the dead air). I spontaneously crafted a similar, though much-less eloquent, version of what I just said above. Because it was…is the truth. And I think it was the way she asked the question that freed me up to answer truthfully and without fear.

It seems that yesterday, although I didn't recognize the significance at the time, was a huge moment in my personal renovation…like someone put in a cross beam where a weight-bearing wall once stood allowing the space in my brain to be open and airy.

So what does all of this have to do with giving up sugar? Nothing really, but maybe I'll remember Day 6 with no sugar as the day that I first saw my new house taking shape. They day that light flooded the space…like a new great room in Waco, Texas.

*Tomorrow I will tell you all about my “2 hours of peace and quiet”.