Headaches, Podcasts, and Chocolate Chips

The slight headache that I mentioned yesterday may have been a mischaracterization. Instead of Helen knocking on the inside of my skull, it turned out to be Charlie throwing an all-day fiesta to which I was invited…no, compelled to attend. It was a throw-down complete with a margarita-induced headache sans the margarita. I can only imagine that Charlie was trying to drive Helen away with all the racket, but she stuck around. I guess she’s still holding out hope that I will give her some chocolate. Anyway, I called the police on him (took some Ibuprofen) and that seemed to quiet things down a bit.

But I was still a little dizzy. The brain fog is real, my friends. I couldn’t complete anything. It took me all day to do 2 loads of laundry and I didn’t even finish that because both are still un-folded. At least I didn’t leave them to mildew in the washer overnight. I also started to work on a couple of volunteer projects but had to stop because they involved numbers and I just couldn’t look at them without them dancing on my computer screen. Maybe sugar is addictive because this does feel like withdrawal – or at least what I think withdrawal would feel like.

This headache is different from others. All headaches are debilitating for me…probably for most people…but yesterday’s (today’s) has qualities that are different from migraines or sinus headaches. Migraines are localized, specifically above my left eye and it feels like a blood vessel is going to explode. I have to make the room dark and quiet and there better be a toilet nearby because it only ends one way. A sinus headache feels like more generalized pressure in the front of my head and if there is any localized pain it’s behind my eyes or around the bridge of my nose. I don’t have the same need for dark and quiet and thankfully these don’t end with me kneeling before the toilet.

However, this headache is different and while I’ve had it before (anytime I try to eliminate sugar) it is still confounding. It feels more like a brain ache. It’s as if my brain is shivering and slamming into the inside of cranium. Moreover, my skull feels like it’s expanding so the brain movements become bigger and bigger and then I feel dizzy. There's no pressure...just an ache. I also feel like eating something will make it go away which is never the case with a migraine or sinus headache. But eating something does not relieve this headache at all...only Ibuprofen does. I also have this weird ocular thing going on in which my field of vision isn’t tracking with my eye movement. I look at something and then a split second later I see it. Like a time delay - or a film with poor sound editing. It does not compute and it's all hindering my ability to concentrate.

Yesterday afternoon I was desperate to distract myself so I decided to listen to something. I was going to find a nutrition podcast about sugar cravings, sugar withdrawal, or the like…after all, knowledge is power. I thought maybe if I knew what’s going on (or believed I knew what’s going on) I’d feel better. But when I opened the podcast app on my tablet, the first thing listed was Serial from This American Life. I had subscribed to it a couple of weeks earlier but didn’t get more than 5 minutes into the first episode before being called away to do something else. Could this be the distraction I was seeking? There was nothing to look at so I didn’t have to focus my vision and if the story was good enough, I could trade my sugar addiction for a Podcast addiction...but just for the next few days. 

Next few days? That is never going to happen. In fact, it won't even get me through the next 24 hours because I can't listen to just one episode.

It’s awesome. The only thing I can compare it to is In Cold Blood which is the best book I’ve ever read – not because of the subject matter, but because of the mechanics of Capote’s storytelling. Serial has the same captivating quality in its retelling of a story but I don't have to focus on any tiny words. I start to tear up when I consider just how brilliant it is and honestly, I’m in no condition to fully express it right now as I am still battling the brain fog. In short, my response to it is hormonal and empathetic. It's almost as though I’m experiencing what the reporter is experiencing...or like the story is happening to me.

Empathy hurts (evidently), but at least it made me forget about my headache.

Made me forget for hours, in fact, because between noon yesterday and 9:00 this morning I spent 6 hours and 21 minutes listening to Serial. To provide you a frame reference, I spent 6 hours and 25 minutes sleeping last night (at least that’s what my Fitbit tells me and who am I to argue?)

I love it. I can’t get enough, in fact now that I only have 2 of the 12 episodes left, I find myself becoming sad that it’s going to end. You’d think I’d want to savor the experience and make it last as long as possible.... 

No. 

When I’m done writing this, I’m going right back to it. It’s sort of like when you have a bag of chocolate chips in the pantry and you’re concerned that you might eat it all and somehow you end up convincing yourself that the most reasonable way to address this fear is to eat the whole bag because then it will be gone and you won’t be worried about it anymore.

I’ve heard some people do that.

The binge watching/binge listening phenomenon is something that baffles me even as I take part in it. It really doesn’t make any sense. It’s like intentionally living in fast-forward…but doesn’t time move fast enough already? I did the same thing with the first season of True Detective and The Leftovers…I watched each of them over the course of 2 days. Each time I was in a funk because they were over. I know I’m not alone in doing this…it’s a whole thing that people are doing with streaming services that are taking over the planet. But is this behavior really new? People do this with books all the time, myself included. I can’t count the number of times that I have started a book, read it all day, and finished it at 1:00am the following morning.* We actually praise voracious reading. People who read a lot are called erudite. This is not the case with those who over-consume other types of media and yet it all results in the same funk that I’m beginning to feel as I approach the end of Serial.

Damn…what do I do now?  

Maybe when the headache goes away, I’ll move on to a book.Too bad I can’t binge watch whatever TV shows I’m going to miss during my 30 days with no television – which I’m probably going to do in November. In December I plan to binge watch all the Christmas shows and movies and feel all of the feelings.

And maybe eat all of the chocolate chips in the pantry.

 *I did not finish In Cold Blood in the middle of the night because I never read that at night and don’t you do it either because it’s too gruesome. Also, I think if I read it in the middle of the night, I wouldn’t have been able to forget that it was real.