THERE'S NO CRYING IN DEBATE

When I was in high school, I was in a class called Forensics. No…we did not study crime scenes or visit autopsies. It was the name for my high school’s advanced speech and drama class. I took it for two years. It was my favorite class for the things that I learned (all about theatre, how to speak in public, how to improvise, and how not to take myself so seriously) and for the other people with whom I shared that time (the teacher and my classmates). We would go to Forensics competitions periodically preparing acting scenes, speeches and other presentations and honestly, the memories of those experiences would provide enough material for a completely new blog.

Maybe next year.

Anyway, one of the competition categories was debate…but we never entered anybody. My teacher hated debate (his own words). We just didn’t cover it as part of the curriculum and, frankly, that was fine with me. I don’t do intentional conflict.

During my junior year, we had a student teacher in Forensics and her specialty was debate. She loved it. And for a few weeks while our teacher prepared a one-act play with 4-5 other students in our class, the rest of us learned about and participated in team debate boot camp.

Real boot camp would have been more fun and far less stressful for me. 

I’m pretty sure I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat before every debate (even the ones that I wasn’t participating in). Once again…I don’t do intentional conflict, which is what I thought a debate was when I was 16. And you know what, all my fears turned out to be justified during my very own debate which devolved into something that one might have expected from teenagers (two of whom, didn’t particularly care for one another) when given the platform to fight.

There was name-calling and crying and people taking sides. I was the crier.

I don’t remember the subject, all I remember is that it became quickly heated and personal between two of the four of us. Most of the details are fuzzy which is a shame, because I’d love to remember what I said and how I spoke and, of course, the path of escalation that resulted in one of our opponents calling my partner a bitch…and me collapsing into a weepy blob on my desk. I mean, really, what on earth could we have been debating?!

The student teacher was not equipped to handle it (though what a great lesson it was about understanding class and personal dynamics before you assign partners and opponents). Our teacher had to intervene and I'm sure his number one thought (thought he kept it to himself) was..."THERE'S NO CRYING IN DEBATE!" 

But hey, we were in high school…teenagers do stupid stuff and still turn out ok. My former debate partner is a journalism teacher now. Our opponents are both respectable adults…and engineer and a scientist – neither of whom have probably ever called a colleague a nasty name to their face. And I’m happy to say that I haven’t broken down crying as the result of an argument since at least July.

My main occupation right now is raising teenagers, remember? That’s 365/24/7 debate and sometimes I suck at it.

In short, we’ve all grown up. We know how to treat other adults. We may not have to engage in professional debates on a regular basis, but if we live in the world and not under a rock, we do have to learn to disagree with people in a civilized manner. That’s just what grown-ups do.

Or do they? I watched part of the last presidential debate…just until I felt nauseated. And I’ve seen some clips here and there. (Don’t worry, I’ll educate myself better when we are closer than FOUR HUNDRED DAYS to the election. For now, I’m easing myself in…it’s like inoculating myself against disease…a little bit here and there and by the time there’s a pandemic, I’ll hopefully be immune to the vitriol.)

What I’ve seen during my minimal exposure resembles high school debate -- though that may be an insult to high schoolers. It’s really more like middle schoolers or even 5^th graders fighting over who is going to be the King of Four Square on the playground. But even that might be too generous.

A question is asked…one that addresses a very real problem that affects very real people and a candidate is given the floor. He/she answers with something that resembles a thoughtful position. They express it for 2 minutes and then the other candidates are given a chance for rebuttal (or agreement – HAH!) but instead of talking about the issue at question they attack that person for something unrelated to … anything. I’ll use that game of Four Square on the playground to illustrate:

Mindy: I think I should start off as the King, because I went and got the ball for us and I had just knocked Michael out as the King when recess ended yesterday.Michael: You didn’t knock me out, I was just distracted by how ugly your sweater was.
Matthew: Yeah and anyway, I was the queen so I wouldn’t have moved into the King space if the bell hadn’t rung.Maddie: Matthew, you don’t have any business even playing this game because your mom is the worst room mother our class has ever had. And also, you make C’s in school, shouldn’t you be over in the corner studying? Idiot.

And we are congratulating them – some of us revering them – for their juvenile behavior. Since when are we looking for a president who equates name-calling with statesmanship? At first blush, perhaps it seems refreshing to hear someone just saying what they think (I use the word ‘think’ very loosely) without tact or diplomacy. But is that how we want a president to deal with foreign leaders? Is that who we want representing us on a world stage? Is that how we want a leader to deal with citizens who disagree with him?

This isn’t a reality show…it’s actual reality. You may enjoy watching Jerry Springer or Maury Povich at 3pm on Wednesday afternoon, but think about how you view the guests on a show like that. That’s how the world will see us if we elect a president who treats a presidential election like a game of Survivor or Big Brother. 

There are those who think me naive for expecting maturity from presidential candidates. Why? Why are we content to accept leaders who don’t even behave as well as our own children? Who refuse to talk to one another? Who call each other names? Who belittle US? Why do we have such low expectations of people with such critical responsibilities? Have we really devolved into a society who values a witty comeback over a reasoned argument? 

I’m not talking about where candidates or elected officials stand on various issues, I’m talking about how they talk to each other and to us about those issues. I’m also talking about how they tear each other down and encourage us to do the same to one another. When did the line blur between someone’s policy positions and their character? If you disagree, say it and say why. Yes. That’s discourse. If you disagree with someone’s policy position and decide that the best way to express it is to personally attack your opponent (their religion, their race, their sexuality, their gender, their family) and everyone who supports him/her that just tells me you are too lazy or too ignorant to form an intelligent argument.

Knowing your own position on an issue of policy and articulating that position is presidential. Knowing your own opinion on another person (or their hair, or their body, or their clothes, or their personal choices) and articulating it – that’s just gossip. And it’s a dangerous form of deflection when we are choosing leaders.

In my heart of hearts I believe we will come to our senses and probably the best candidate will emerge in both parties. But what will be the cost to our dignity with each passing day that we don’t demand more from people who want to lead – at all levels of government?

I'm not an expert on politics or policy or governance or leadership. I'm just a mom...a mom who wants her children to have thoughtful, intelligent, and compassionate leaders to model. So as a mom, I'm going to model leadership by giving some unsolicited advice to anyone who will listen. 

DITCH THE ENTERTAINER, FRIENDS. And anyone else who treats an election like a selfie they hope goes viral.

Look at me, Voters! 

Realize what’s at stake, please, and quit congratulating people for being what your parents spent your entire childhood raising you NOT to be. Some of these people don’t really want to be president anyway…they just want the title, the fame, the power and/or the notoriety that goes with it. Like the Kardashians. I’ve got to believe we can do better than someone who views an election as a path to immortality rather than as a path to service.

We are better than that.

And if I’m wrong…I see more crying in my future – during debates and just in general.