Naming Names

Day Two without sugar and what do you know, I have brain fog. I’m sure a giant espresso brownie from Bedrock Eats and Sweets would clear it up in a snap. But only for a snap…because I’d just want more sweet gooey yumminess about 30 minutes later and my standards would be much lower resulting in my eating something like a sad mixture of coconut cream, cocoa and maple syrup. In a bowl. 

In the two and a half years I’ve spent (mostly) not eating grain, I’ve developed more and more creative ways to satisfy my sweet tooth and the above concoction is one example. It ends up being sort of like chocolate mousse with the slight essence of coconut…and disappointment. So, no brownie today.

According to the experts (and by experts, I mean nutrition Podcasts and random postings I’ve skimmed on Facebook), one way to stave off sugar cravings is to make sure each meal has balanced portions of lean, high-quality animal protein, some healthy fat, and healthy carbohydrates (primarily vegetables, occasionally fruits). They also suggest I should eat fermented foods and sea vegetables but these things are not plentiful where I live nor is the money to buy them if I do happen upon them nor is my inclination to ferment my own food (aside from whatever old, mushy fruit is in the bottom of my crisper but I don’t think that’s what they mean.)

So this was my breakfast this morning:

1 grass-fed duck egg, ½ and avocado, and ½ cup of diced tomato from a local organic farm. Oh…I also had 10 oz of coffee with 1 teaspoon each of coconut oil and grass-fed ghee. That’s about 450 calories. Go ahead and judge me remembering all the while that I don’t care what you think because of my mild psychopathy. Also I ran 4 miles before I ate any of it…so that cools the fire any judge-y gazes that I might imagine through my computer screen…if I cared which I don’t.

In addition, I’ve had 32 ounces of water before 10:00am so I’ve burned additional calories going up and down the stairs to the bathroom. My Fitbit says I’ve taken 9,083 steps and it’s only 10:07am. The good news is I only have to last about 11 more hours without sugar. Today. The bad news is that I seem to remember the first 48-72 hours being the roughest and it will likely get worse before it gets better.

Two days in and this is what I know so far…sweet stuff tastes good. It makes me really happy – for as long as it takes me to chew the first bite. After that, the quality doesn’t matter at all. I’ll start off with just a tiny piece of really decadent dark chocolate (because the experts say the flavonoids are good for you – a SuperFood just like kale) and then my conscious brain says, “See, that’s all you need. Just a little taste to satisfy you.” And then Conscious Brain (I’ll call her Helen Mirren) goes someplace where I can’t reach her…probably getting a massage and a pedicure that self-aware bitch….and leaves my unconscious brain in charge. We will call him Charlie Sheen. Charlie is NOT satisfied by one little taste. Charlie believes that if one bite is good, 100 bites would be better. And that’s how I end up eating shlocky candy from Walgreens…purchased from a cashier who reminds me to “be well” as I stroll out the door with my small bag of crap.

Helen, conveniently enough, never shows up until after I’ve finished my sweet snack and Charlie is sitting there with a shit-eating grin on his face because he knows he just made me eat shit. The “treat”, as it turned out, was still pretty satisfying at the first nibble, but by the end tasted similar to the inside of the drum of a cotton candy machine – not that I’ve ever licked one. Just once I’d like Helen to return before I’ve plummeted all the way to the bottom of the candy barrel. As it is, she always has the same look of surprise on her face when she finally returns…like she doesn’t remember it happening 1000 times before. Then she spanks Charlie (which he likes) and he skulks off.

Then my voice is heard softly…not Helen’s or Charlie’s, but mine. Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I guess even my conscious brain is a bit insane. That’s comforting. It seems to me that Helen is way too trusting of Charlie…or maybe Helen, even with all her conscious self-awareness, really can’t handle the first bite either and it causes her to go a short sabbatical. Whatever the case, I’ve put her on probation and for the next 30 days she doesn’t get a single bite. This month I'm in charge and Helen can do without her massages and pedicures and whatever else she thinks is more important than controlling Charlie’s impulses.

Now I’m going to go about my day….sugar-free, and apparently with a slight headache which is now creeping across the front of my skull. It’s probably Helen knocking on the inside of my cranium because she wants “just a small bite” of chocolate.

Too bad, Helen, you are cut off.