Remembering to Remember What I Forgot

I am not alone. This realization is both comforting and challenging to me.

On one hand, it’s great not to be alone in the world. It’s reassuring to have the support of friends and family, yada yada yada. On the other hand, it’s really great being alone in my house…especially when I’m trying to write or think. This is the 5^th consecutive day of this year-long project of mine and I’m just now sitting down to write at 2:15 pm. I found what I thought was a space where no one else wanted to be and then I went there but it has still taken me 12 minutes to write 5 sentences. I can hear them making their noises in other parts of the house and I can really hear them when they are in my bubble trying to have a conversation with me. At this rate, I’m going to be here for the rest of the day.

OK...so I haven’t really spent all day trying to get to this point. I slept late(ish) in an attempt to keep that promise to make sleep the centerpiece of this long weekend. But then Saturday started and no matter what I think Saturday will be like, it always ends up being an EVENT.

Today we went to a Bat Mitzvah for a family friend -- my first ever. Getting ready for affairs such as this (weddings, funerals, anything where dressing up is involved) is unpleasant at our house because we really don’t do it very often. I have pretty clear ideas about what everyone should wear. They have pretty clear ideas about what they should wear. Our ideas are as compatible as Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus and so there’s drama. This morning was no different.

The drive to the synagogue, the service, the luncheon which followed, and the drive home took 4 hours and there’s more to come this evening. But I can honestly say that I don’t regret it a bit because WOW. The Jews really know how to welcome people into adulthood. It was a beautiful and joyful ritual that fearlessly embraced everything that life has to offer…including death. That’s what I’ll remember about today. Presbyterians talk about death at funerals and on Good Friday…and that’s about it. This rite of passage – and from what I could discern, all Jewish Sabbath celebrations – intentionally remember their deceased. They revere those who have passed the traditions and spiritual practices of their faith on to them and they do it all the time not just at their funeral. There was at least 10 minutes toward the end of the service which was dedicated to naming those in their congregation who died in the past week or the past year. After that, they read the names of all those in their congregation who had died this same week back to the 19^th century. That was amazing to me. In my faith, we have a funeral and a lunch and then they read your name out on the next All Saints Day. After that, it’s pretty much up to you to remember anybody important to you who has died. I think naming all of these people once a year is such a wonderful practice.

And then I remembered the yahrzeit candles* – something I haven’t thought about in years – but it was the Jewish remembrance of death that had brought me to Temple Israel 17 years earlier.

My dad was in town visiting not too long after I had moved to Memphis. My grandmother had given my dad a chore to complete while he was in the city on his way to visit her in Northeast Arkansas. He was charged with finding and purchasing yahrzeit candles for her because she had run out and there wasn’t any place to buy them in the small Southern town where she lives. Keep in mind this was sometime in 1998 or 1999 so we didn’t have a computer. There was no internet investigation…no smartphone. We basically had landlines, paper maps, and people and that was it. My dad and I didn’t know where to start so we called my grandmother and she thought she had once found some at Kroger – but she couldn’t remember which one.

So off to Kroger we went – one of about 20 in the city at the time. But they didn’t have any. (I know now that I didn’t go to the right Kroger in the right neighborhood. You actually can buy yahrzeit candles at grocery stores here but you’re best bet is a Kroger within walking distance of an Orthodox Temple.) Next we tried a few more grocery stores, a couple of florists, and at each place we asked anyone who would talk to us where we might find yahrzeit candles. People’s responses (and facial expressions) varied widely, and no one had any ideas until one bright soul suggested we try Temple Israel, a Reformed Jewish Synagogue in Memphis. DUH…why didn’t I think of that? I knew there was a synagogue in Memphis but I didn’t know where it was. We asked the person who suggested it if she knew where it was and she said she thought it was out east somewhere. Being new in town at that time, “out east” in Memphis meant anything between East Parkway and the intersection of Poplar and I-240. For those of you unfamiliar with our city, there were a whole lotta square miles to cover so we headed back home to look in the Yellow Pages for the address. If you don’t know what the Yellow Pages are, find the nearest 40-something and ask him or her.

I found the address and it wasn’t familiar, so I called them on the phone and asked for directions which they happily provided. I was surprised to learn that there is more “out east” to the east of I-240 and that it was in that part of “out east” that we would find Temple Israel. My dad and I then drove WAY out east (which is what I still call anything between I-240 and Germantown; if it’s east of there I call it Nashville) to Temple Israel and, if memory serves, they did have them but they either weren’t for sale or they happened to be out. I know what you’re asking yourself, “Why didn’t you ask them if they had them when you called for directions?” And, I’m pretty sure we asked ourselves that same question at the time. Anyway, the woman we spoke to had probably never seen two more hopeless looking Gentiles in her life. To cheer us up, she suggested that we try the Jewish Community Center but not to go until she called to make sure they had some. Finally…someone intelligent to assist us in the completely ridiculous and, by now, hours-long errand to buy candles. She called, they had them in their gift shop, she asked the person on the other end of the line to hold some back for us and that was that. I’m pretty sure we hugged the woman and then headed to the JCC (which we actually drove past on the way to the Temple) to get the candles. It’s like we snapped our fingers and VOILA five hours later we had our yahrzeit candles. Who could guess that remembering death would involve so much driving?

At this point, I would like to stop and give thanks to all of the people who, through innovation, have made it so that I don’t ever have to run another errand that way again. Today, I would pick up my smartphone, press the home button and ask Siri where I can buy Yahrzeit candles in Memphis. And then I would cuss at her when she misspelled yahrzeit and provided me with links to lawncare professionals. And then I would order them from Amazon and have them shipped to my grandmother’s front door. A five-hour chore condensed into a 5-minute chore – BAM.

And before you say, “But what about the funny memory of that wild goose chase and that time you got to spend with your dad?” Well, I didn’t even remember it until today so it’s not like the memory did me any good and I can think of about 100 more fun ways to spend time with my dad and none of them involve driving up and down Poplar Avenue in Memphis. So, thanks Steve Jobs and Siri.

That was weird rabbit hole.

As for Day 5 without sugar…apparently my brain fog has subsided because I’m remembering things that happened 15+ years ago. I’m also feeling more energetic and focused. But I still want some chocolate.

And I’ve also learned in the course of writing this that I can fabricate alone-ness – even with my family in the same house or in the same room – by simply ignoring them.

That could come in very handy for writing. And for surviving the teenage years.

* The lighting of a yahrzeit candle is a tradition that many Jewish people practice as a way of remembering those who have died. It is lit on the anniversary of a loved one’s death and burns for 24 hours. Apparently, there are electric yahrzeit candles now, which is probably safer, but doesn’t smell as good.