Ghoster-Busters

I love language. I especially love watching it evolve. My favorite linguistic evolution of late is that of nouns evolving into verbs and vice versa.

We used to have a friend or be a friend. Now, we friend and unfriend. Thanks, Facebook. Instead of being an adult (behaving like an adult). We simply…adult. It’s an action now. We also used to like things or follow people. In 2015, we collect likes and follows as a way to gauge our relevance.

Yesterday, I read a New York Times article about yet another part-of-speech conversion. A ghost is no longer just a spectral being from beyond the grave, it’s something you do to people you don’t want to date anymore. You just…ghost. 

Poof.

You ignore texts, emails, voicemails – cut off all contact. It’s like turning on the Do Not Disturb function on your phone.

Forever.

Charlie Theron apparently did this to Sean Penn…just stopped responding to all forms of communication. Froze him out. This made me laugh because I’m not really a fan of his. He doesn’t seem to have a sense of humor – takes himself way too seriously – and I don’t have much time for that. I'll bet he can't laugh at this either. I hope he doesn’t sue me.

The article compiled some stories from people who had been dumped in this manner.They also interviewed a couple of people who were ghosters themselves.They attempted to explain it…not really offering excuses, but also not apologizing.

And though it may sound like a uniquely male method of ending a relationship, one informal survey suggests that women employ it more often than men. Of course, I question this “research” done by Elle Magazine, because right or wrong, I assume that most of their readers are female. Not exactly a random sampling. Another poll suggests 11% of the 1000 adults surveyed admitted to ghosting and ex.

That seems low to me. I think there are lots of people engaging in advertant ghosting.

But that may be because I am a ghoster myself. And this may be where my pro-social psychopathy is most evident. In my 20s, I never said no to a date*. Ever. Just figured, hey, a girl’s gotta eat. But I said no to almost every single second date and almost always did so by ghosting. I didn’t have a name for it. I just moved on and didn’t think much about it. And I didn’t just do this to people I dated…I could phase in and out of all kinds of relationships if necessary. I was a professional.

It’s interesting that the NYT article suggested that this practice is easier and more prevalent today because of our technological connectedness. I disagree. There are just more varied techniques for a person to do the ghosting and more varied platforms for the ghostee (see what I did there?) to realize what’s being done to them. It's kind of easy to figure out what happened when your ex updates his relationship status on Facebook from “single” to “in a relationship”. Of course, he could just block you altogether. Unless you’re not so good with social cues, being blocked is a pretty good sign that there’s not going to be another date, right?

Anyway, as I like to point out early and often (mostly as a reminder to myself), I am an adult and I don’t behave so badly anymore. But I’ll admit I’m fighting my deepest instincts when I don’t ghost. Obviously, the dating thing isn’t an issue anymore because I’m married and I don’t date other people. (I know that’s not the case for all married people, so I thought I should clarify.) I don’t ghost my kids…unless you consider hiding in the bathroom, closet, or car a form of temporary ghosting. I think that’s just self-preservation. And I always return. That’s more like a poltergeist.

The only time I ghost now…and it’s only if I feel it won’t leave a gaping hole…is at social functions. For instance, if I was seated at the bride and groom’s table at a wedding reception, I’d stick around. My kids will be pleased to hear this. If it’s a Super Bowl party…I might be there one minute and gone the next. Most people won’t notice and if they do, they’ll remember that I didn’t care much about the game or the commercials and it won’t be a surprise.

I just leave. I don’t say goodbye. I don’t make eye contact. I take my potluck dish and spoon (if it's empty) and I'm gone. Poof.

In truth, my closest long-time friends have known for decades that I am an expert ghoster.   Most of them tolerate me anyway.I sit at the perimeter of most large, crowded rooms so I can jettison myself quickly when and if the time comes. For the record, my parents did not teach me this behavior. They would not approve of my ghosting. And my kids are never permitted to ghost a party or a friend. You say goodbye and you thank your host before you leave. Period. But sometimes I say goodbye and thank you a few days later. Or via text. 

When it's time to go, I go.

Whether it’s maturity or a developed conscience (are those the same thing?), I try not to ghost in relationships anymore. And if I do, there’s guilt where 20 years ago there would have been nothing. So at the very least, I’m progressing.

Well that’s my Friday confession. How comical that the NYT thinks they scooped a story about something that’s been going on for centuries. I guess when you are the first to name something for that broad an audience, you get to take credit for it.

Whatever. 

Speaking of…I may be ghosting for the weekend. Unless I can sneak into my closet office under the stairs undetected.

Peace Out. I'll get my casserole dish from you next week.