I need to discuss email hour this morning. That’s what I like to
call the time (which isn’t actually an hour) after I’ve had as much Facebook as
I can stand but before I start the forward progression of my day. This “email
hour” is mostly spent deleting promotional/marketing emails from which I can’t seem to unsubscribe and then scanning what’s
left for shopping “opportunities” that interest me, news alerts that I might
care about, and my daily “Kick in the Butt” from Runners’ World.
Two of those three are what I feel the need to address right
now.
First, there was an email from a women’s athletic apparel
company that I won’t name – not because I don’t like their clothes, but because
I’m about to do this:
And ask the question….WHO
WEARS THIS TO RUN?!
I live in Memphis. Today in Memphis…November 4, 2015…at 4:15
am when I woke up it was SIXTY-EIGHT degrees outside with something like 230%
humidity. For those of you who live in a place with seasons, 68 degrees is precisely the temperature when humidity
starts making things like running (or walking or breathing) challenging. So on
a day like this, it’s hard to imagine needing layers to run which begs the
question…why did I choose this email to open?
I was hoping it would spark some optimism about
what I have to look forward to if winter decides to visit the Midsouth this
year. It didn't spark anything like that, but it did inspire the following snark:
- On the coldest day of the year in Memphis, I might need to wear that for the first 2 minutes of any run. After that 2 minutes, I would have to start shedding clothes. And, though I didn’t have any hard evidence at the time, I suspected these weren’t priced for shedding along the streets and sidewalks.
- Are those running boots she’s wearing? If you need boots to exercise…maybe you should explore other fitness alternatives like the Nordic Combined or the Biathlon.
- If it’s so cold that you need two insulted, long-sleeved tops over a tank top and boots to be outside training, why don’t you have anything on your head? And do you not own a brush? If I ran like that with my hair in my face, it would end up in my eyes…in my mouth…possibly torn out at the roots if I got frustrated enough. Is your ponytail holder on its leg? I don’t understand your hair, sister.
- The jacket…the padded polar fleece layer on top of your “insulating” layer…do you send it to the dry cleaners after every run? Or do athletic apparel models not sweat when they are “training”? On the 4 days a year that I actually need to wear multiple layers for running, every single layer is sweaty when I’m through. It’s about the wicking. Most of these fabrics are designed to wick sweat away from your body and then it has to go somewhere. In my case it works it way outward until it seeps from the top layer – not that that top layer would last very long for me. I would be forced to shed that jacket (that I probably wouldn’t just drop on the ground) which means I would tie it around my waist producing a sweaty knot at my midsection. Either way…I’m not wearing it again without a thorough cleaning.
And then I went to the website to see – just for giggles –
what it would cost to purchase this one training
outfit that I could not shed on the
road as my core temperature rose and that I could not wear multiple times without laundering it. The grand total?
Five hundred thirty-one dollars + tax and shipping. Let me write that
differently for you… $531 – minus the
socks, the tank top, and the bra (which she probably doesn’t need like I do,
but appears to be wearing nevertheless).
Five hundred thirty-one dollars for a “winter
training” outfit according to them. Training for what?! To run down to the Lottery Office when I win the Powerball? I
don’t have a single outfit in my closet for which I paid – collectively -- $531.
It seems a bit excessive to me.
So after I had systematically dissected this outfit in my
mind and metaphorically ripped it to shreds, I saved a screenshot for you and
deleted the email before moving on to the next email which was the following Kick in the Butt:
|
We must all suffer
one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or
disappointment.
|
|
– Jim Rohn
|
I can totally embrace and attest to these truths, but I
noticed that he did forget the third
pain that we all must endure….
The pain in the pocket of purchasing “winter training”
apparel and the accompanying dry cleaning bills.
I’m going to give you some tips:
- Old long sleeved shirts are a really good top layer that you can shed as needed and then retrieve if you like (yet not feel sad if they are lost forever.)
- I am pretty sure that running boots are not a real thing…certainly not a thing you should pound the pavement in…they might lead to the pain of regret and disappointment because your fallen arches won’t allow you to run anymore. A good pair of running shoes and some Smart Wool socks (or whatever thick sock you prefer) should be sufficient and if they’re not, you should consider relocating from Northern Greenland – or buy a treadmill which would cost about the same amount as that outfit.
- If you really love that outfit and want to have it in your closet, then you should totally buy it for yourself as a reward for all the hard training you did in regular running shoes and old long-sleeved t-shirts. And then you can wear it about town after your run. You’ll be looking sharp and athletic and you can save on the dry cleaning bills. And you can wear it better simply by brushing your hair and buying a sturdier ponytail holder.
But I might suggest that before you put it on, you sport
this around for as long as time permits
Because this look -- the authentic post-run fashion wear that I am sporting as we speak –
makes all my clothes and shoes feel better.
Don’t be jealous ladies and gentlemen…I know it looks good
in the picture, but I cropped out the old-lady chicken skin that has appeared
from out of nowhere around my knees
because…PRIDE.
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