Know Thyself

So…this whole idea of knowing who you are and liking that person. I’m beginning to notice that some people roll their eyes at you. People you wouldn’t expect.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, though, that helps me care less about those eye rolls, snickers, and confused or judgmental looks that I get from time to time. The people who think it’s weird? They don’t know themselves.

At. All.

And they might be afraid to look.

Why should someone be afraid to know themselves? I’m sure I wouldn’t know…said the 42-year-old woman who fights the process every day. But I might have some ideas…just guesses, you know. Nothing based on experience. Because I am SO THERE with the knowing and liking myself.

JUST RIGHT THERE WITH IT.

Here are some observations about the eye-rollers that I’ve noticed and these are in no particular order of importance or prevalence:

• Some believe this type of work will conflict with their strongly-held religious beliefs. If you’re concentrating on yourself, you are probably neglecting your kids, your spouse, your volunteer duties, your job, your church. You’re not contributing to society if you are focused inward.  Somehow they have equated self-awareness and self-confidence with selfishness and self-absorption.

Not the same thing, friends.

These particular friends haven’t yet learned that knowing yourself well enough to identify your direction and constantly working to refine your understanding of self can lead to the places where your great passion meets the world’s great need. That is world-changing kingdom work and does not need to interfere with any other spiritual search or communion with a benevolent creator. There is absolutely time for both and in my experience they in fact enhance one another.

• Some get hung up on language. A “journey to self-discovery” just sounds too new-agey or silly and they don’t want to have anything to do with it. They think they are going to have to spend hours meditating or chanting or that they will be forced to spend every Wednesday morning drinking herbal tea and listening to Enya with a group of people named after nature…Flower, River, Sunshine, and Rain. It’s too much to imagine. This may or may not have been an obstacle for me.

These companions haven’t yet redefined what this journey means for them…self-care, introspection, curiosity about why you feel certain ways about certain things…there are plenty of alternative ways to name it. They haven’t yet recognized the value of what I call spiritual massage. None of us would turn down a full-body massage that isolates the knots, relaxes our muscles, and helps discharge toxins. Daily introspection is nothing more than a means of exposing the blocked places in our mind and soul, relaxing our expectations, and discharging the negative emotions that keep us from moving forward. As with body massage, there are places you can get to yourself and there are places that a therapist is better positioned to reach. Deciding to ask for help reflects an understanding of your own needs and you could decide to honor this.  

• Some worry that learning who you are (and all of the things that are guided by such knowledge like clear values, vocational calling, lifestyle, etc.) might result in rejection by those closest to you – namely your family and your friends – or ejection from particular groups with which you identify. This is a tough one. Opposites don’t always attract, people don’t always appreciate dissenting viewpoints, and even those who love us most can feel threatened by changes that they see in us.

That is all very real.

This is my response. You and you alone are the only one who has to sleep with you every single night…who has to look at you in the mirror each and every day…who has to face the consequences of your decision to deny the person you were created to be. It is my sincere hope and belief that no one’s work to become self-confident would result in complete abandonment.  I am certain that if it did, however, that standing alone on your sacred ground would generate a magnetic force so strong that you would soon be surrounded by the love of people who value YOU…the authentic you. I believe that the power of community can heal the hurt caused by those who are more interested in you fitting in with them than in accepting that the true you already belongs.

• Finally, there is another group and this is tricky because I am not a mental health professional and I do not play one on TV. My counseling experience is limited to that of the receiver. However, I do have friends. And I love them so I listen to them when they talk to me. Because of this, I have learned that the process of self-examination can be legitimately terrifying for some people. People who have experienced trauma, abuse, or otherwise painful upbringings wade into the murky waters of self-exploration knowing that they will have to confront the role that their past has played in making them who they are. It means reconciling the voices and forces that suggest they aren’t worth knowing with each newly-discovered clue that proves they are worth knowing and worth loving. 

For what it's worth, this group doesn't actually engage in eye-rolling. They may alternately engage you and shrink from you depending upon how they feel and if you feel generous, you could exercise compassion toward them. They are actually on a journey -- a tough one -- and if you can't completely identify with it, you could help love them through it. 

Just a thought.

The bottom line is that we all encounter roadblocks when we are working toward a goal and I’m not suggesting that you should choose the path of least resistance. It is, however, good to be on the lookout for obstacles and some of those obstacle might be people who try to trip you up. You don’t have to brandish any weapons or even put on protective armor to defend yourself against them…the only power they have over you is that which you give them. But you can observe them and you can honor their search – even if you think it hasn’t begun.

And when you can do this, that’s when you’ll know you’re making progress.

People who are working really hard on themselves don’t have time to judge the progress of others. They understand and appreciate the process because they have done the work, they are committed to continuing the work, and they know that it is, indeed, hard work. So they don’t waste their energy on judging others.