Know Thyself

So…this whole idea of knowing who you are and liking that person. I’m beginning to notice that some people roll their eyes at you. People you wouldn’t expect.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, though, that helps me care less about those eye rolls, snickers, and confused or judgmental looks that I get from time to time. The people who think it’s weird? They don’t know themselves.

At. All.

And they might be afraid to look.

Why should someone be afraid to know themselves? I’m sure I wouldn’t know…said the 42-year-old woman who fights the process every day. But I might have some ideas…just guesses, you know. Nothing based on experience. Because I am SO THERE with the knowing and liking myself.

JUST RIGHT THERE WITH IT.

Here are some observations about the eye-rollers that I’ve noticed and these are in no particular order of importance or prevalence:

• Some believe this type of work will conflict with their strongly-held religious beliefs. If you’re concentrating on yourself, you are probably neglecting your kids, your spouse, your volunteer duties, your job, your church. You’re not contributing to society if you are focused inward.  Somehow they have equated self-awareness and self-confidence with selfishness and self-absorption.

Not the same thing, friends.

These particular friends haven’t yet learned that knowing yourself well enough to identify your direction and constantly working to refine your understanding of self can lead to the places where your great passion meets the world’s great need. That is world-changing kingdom work and does not need to interfere with any other spiritual search or communion with a benevolent creator. There is absolutely time for both and in my experience they in fact enhance one another.

• Some get hung up on language. A “journey to self-discovery” just sounds too new-agey or silly and they don’t want to have anything to do with it. They think they are going to have to spend hours meditating or chanting or that they will be forced to spend every Wednesday morning drinking herbal tea and listening to Enya with a group of people named after nature…Flower, River, Sunshine, and Rain. It’s too much to imagine. This may or may not have been an obstacle for me.

These companions haven’t yet redefined what this journey means for them…self-care, introspection, curiosity about why you feel certain ways about certain things…there are plenty of alternative ways to name it. They haven’t yet recognized the value of what I call spiritual massage. None of us would turn down a full-body massage that isolates the knots, relaxes our muscles, and helps discharge toxins. Daily introspection is nothing more than a means of exposing the blocked places in our mind and soul, relaxing our expectations, and discharging the negative emotions that keep us from moving forward. As with body massage, there are places you can get to yourself and there are places that a therapist is better positioned to reach. Deciding to ask for help reflects an understanding of your own needs and you could decide to honor this.  

• Some worry that learning who you are (and all of the things that are guided by such knowledge like clear values, vocational calling, lifestyle, etc.) might result in rejection by those closest to you – namely your family and your friends – or ejection from particular groups with which you identify. This is a tough one. Opposites don’t always attract, people don’t always appreciate dissenting viewpoints, and even those who love us most can feel threatened by changes that they see in us.

That is all very real.

This is my response. You and you alone are the only one who has to sleep with you every single night…who has to look at you in the mirror each and every day…who has to face the consequences of your decision to deny the person you were created to be. It is my sincere hope and belief that no one’s work to become self-confident would result in complete abandonment.  I am certain that if it did, however, that standing alone on your sacred ground would generate a magnetic force so strong that you would soon be surrounded by the love of people who value YOU…the authentic you. I believe that the power of community can heal the hurt caused by those who are more interested in you fitting in with them than in accepting that the true you already belongs.

• Finally, there is another group and this is tricky because I am not a mental health professional and I do not play one on TV. My counseling experience is limited to that of the receiver. However, I do have friends. And I love them so I listen to them when they talk to me. Because of this, I have learned that the process of self-examination can be legitimately terrifying for some people. People who have experienced trauma, abuse, or otherwise painful upbringings wade into the murky waters of self-exploration knowing that they will have to confront the role that their past has played in making them who they are. It means reconciling the voices and forces that suggest they aren’t worth knowing with each newly-discovered clue that proves they are worth knowing and worth loving. 

For what it's worth, this group doesn't actually engage in eye-rolling. They may alternately engage you and shrink from you depending upon how they feel and if you feel generous, you could exercise compassion toward them. They are actually on a journey -- a tough one -- and if you can't completely identify with it, you could help love them through it. 

Just a thought.

The bottom line is that we all encounter roadblocks when we are working toward a goal and I’m not suggesting that you should choose the path of least resistance. It is, however, good to be on the lookout for obstacles and some of those obstacle might be people who try to trip you up. You don’t have to brandish any weapons or even put on protective armor to defend yourself against them…the only power they have over you is that which you give them. But you can observe them and you can honor their search – even if you think it hasn’t begun.

And when you can do this, that’s when you’ll know you’re making progress.

People who are working really hard on themselves don’t have time to judge the progress of others. They understand and appreciate the process because they have done the work, they are committed to continuing the work, and they know that it is, indeed, hard work. So they don’t waste their energy on judging others.

Extraordinary People

There are people out there living extraordinary lives. They have all kinds of different vocations and lifestyles. Some live with families and some live alone or with only their pets (I know, I know, pets are family).  They are so very interesting to talk to or just simply listen to. They have ideas and they share them. They eat well…they sleep well…they travel well…they just

Live. Well.

And I’ve been studying them. Because living well is my primary goal and I believe I can do it. And I believe I am worthy of living well.

We all are.

My research has been fun and enlightening and sometimes despite the inspiration for writing that it provides, it also keeps me from writing. The thing is…interesting people are interesting to study and I want to soak them in. I want them to breach the cracks in my exoskeleton and infiltrate my DNA.

I want to be transformed.

My classroom for study is the internet so I have made it my intention to be very selective as far as sources go.  I have no scientific method for this selection process, only intuitive discernment…that’s what works for me. There are a couple of places to which I tend to gravitate because they are consistently thorough. They are either sites that compile stories from brilliant interviews or they are podcasts of brilliant interviews.

When you ask the right questions, you can get an interesting person to tell their story.

Spoiler Alert: We are all interesting people with a story to tell and we all have the capacity to live extraordinary lives. What I’ve learned so far is that people I consider extraordinary have achieved this because they possess some very ordinary – albeit uncommon – human qualities.

There don’t seem to be any specific habits or rituals that extraordinary people share in common. They don’t eat certain foods or get a certain amount of sleep or read certain books or engage in/abstain from certain activities. If there was one habit they share, I might say that daily meditation/prayer/quiet reflection would be it, but even these practices vary along a broad spectrum from hour-long guided meditation on one end to mindful silent exercise on the other. If it is a common thread, it is one that is very loosely woven.

What these people do share in common are certain personality traits and that is what I am sharing with you today. Here are the 7 that I have identified in no particular order:

1. THEY ARE KIND TO OTHER PEOPLE. They do not see other people as characters in their story, as obstacles to overcome, or as subordinates to control. They say “please” and “thank you”. They don’t use exhaustion, busyness, or stress as an excuse to be rude. On the rare occasion that they fail to practice kindness, they say, “I’m sorry.”
2. THEY HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED VALUES, PRIORITIES, AND BOUNDARIES. They know where they want to be. They try to stay on a path that leads them to that place. They say yes to things they believe will move them forward and they say no to things that they believe will move them backward. Because they are kind, they say hello to people whose paths cross their own, but they do not become distracted by other people’s agendas.
3. THEY ARE GENEROUS. This is different than being kind, but the two are related. Extraordinary people share what they have and what they know. They can share space on their path and are happy to have company along the way. They are not beholden to “stuff”. Because they are not desperate to hold on to everything so tight, they do not carry things around that aren’t important.
4. THEY HAVE CONFIDENCE IN WHO THEY ARE. This is not ego, but genuine self-confidence. They know who they are at their core and they really like who they are the vast majority of the time. Their self-confidence is not related in any way to what they do to make money, what they produce, what they have, or what other people think about them.
5. THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. This means that they aren’t afraid to fail…over and over again, if necessary. They know how to be uncomfortable, uncertain, and a little scared. They write their own rules for what needs to be done and their own instruction manuals for how to make things happen.
6. THEY HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY. They are not motivated solely by making money. They do not spend hours fretting over how to scale their business so someone will want to buy it. They do not devote massive resources to marketing plans which will force demand for their product. They believe that one can have enough money and having a lot more than one needs results in more pain than joy. This feeds their generosity, fearlessness, and confidence. Because they know that they are enough, they never worry about having enough.
7. THEY ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS AND LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. This means that they are also always learning. They are more concerned with being interested than with being interesting. They meet others’ needs because they have taken the time to truly understand them and their needs are met because they ask for what they need and listen to see if they will get it. They also don’t accept any claim at face value without digging a little deeper to see what is beneath the surface.

So there you have it. So easy yet so hard. Knowing who we are and what we value is a life-long journey but when the reward is a life well-lived, it seems a worthwhile undertaking.

An extraordinary life is worth some extraordinary work.

Silencing the Critics

Critical thinking and criticism are not the same thing. Critical thinking is the examination of something laid before us…usually an idea...to determine validity and it is mostly internal. Criticism is the outward expression of our conclusion based on critical thought.

At least that’s what I would like it to be.

Critical thinking is what we do when we feel something – because we are emotional beings – and we hold it up against reality. We hold a mirror up to our reflexive notions and consider whether they align with our values. This, of course, also requires examination and clarification of our values and a recognition of our imperfect interpretation of reality…but that discussion is for a different day.

Constructive criticism is the expression of any disapproval which results from the above process and can only be done well if the critic acknowledges the humanity of the other people involved. The criticism that we have come to accept omits all of the consideration, reflection, and humanity extracting disapproval that is based on the immediate and unfiltered perceptions of the critic and the shaming of the messenger.

This makes me feel yucky. Therefore it is yucky. And the person who said it is yucky too.

Criticism without critical thinking is just like handing someone a lump of coal and calling it a diamond.

“The medium is the message,” or so said Marshall McLuhan. If this is true, and the medium through which most of our political messages are received is the internet, then what we are receiving is often impersonal (faceless), incomplete (140 characters or a meme), and in our own voice (as we read it to ourselves). And it is upon these messages that we are defining ourselves and others.

We have grown to believe that saying exactly what we think at the exact moment we think it somehow equates to truth.

“He says what he thinks” becomes “he says it like it is.” “She says it like it is” becomes “she stands up for what she believes.” As if every unexamined thought we have in the heat of every moment always aligns with who we are and what we value. As if everything we believe is in fact absolute truth, not only for us, but for everyone around us.

The internet has made it incredibly easy for us to collect data in terabytes, but it seems to have eroded our ability to cultivate comprehensive knowledge and thus to gain wisdom. As our digital bandwidth increases, our emotional and intellectual bandwidths are shrinking. We trade true curiosity for a haphazard data-dump from a search engine. Type a few letters into the search field, and you don’t even have to decide what you want to know, much less what you want to know about something. And then once you’ve been told what topic you want to know about, a single click yields infinite choices for edification.

And manipulation

.

And confirmation.

What we do now is simply curate existing messages to confirm our already-established opinions. We almost always click the search results that appear to confirm our bias. When we click a result that might question our established position, we do so by accident or with the intent to tear it apart and to tear the author apart. Because the medium (the messenger) is the message and if we don’t like the messenger, the message must be worthless.

We don’t get curious about our thoughts and feelings. We don’t explore our own stories to discern how millions of miniscule moments, words, steps and missteps, have shaped our views and each subsequent choice. We deal in absolutes…in black and white…in right or wrong…in good or bad. We disregard complexities…in people and in ideas…in favor of vapid generalities. We reduce each other to categories…others…with us or against us…denying the infinite Venn diagrams that make up the fabric of our human existence.

We don’t know ourselves…independently or collectively…because we have allowed the loudest people around us to drown out our consciences…to suggest the least generous interpretation of the people with whom we share life or to affirm the biases we already carry. We have eschewed connection for connectivity so that we are never alone in our entrenched viewpoints. There is always someone to tell us we are right.

We turn our backs on those who question our absolutes and we dehumanize them. It makes us feel better about our decision to disconnect from “them” or “those people.” Our self-curated message of absolute truth becomes the yardstick by which we judge everyone else…from the drug dealer to the teacher to the C-suite executive to the President of the United States. And it is a message that has not been held up to the scrutiny of critical thinking.

All of this divides us…from people who vote differently, worship differently, speak differently, love differently. No one person is responsible for our division and no one person will ever be able to unite us. With every choice we make about who is worthy and who is not WE have allowed ourselves to become divided.

It is WE who have turned our backs on thought and reason and reflection and connection, and we have done it to protect ourselves from accepting the possibility that none of us here on earth has all of the answers. This keeps us from working together to find any of the answers that we so desperately desire.

The good news? It is also WE who can put a stop to it. Stop absorbing the message without thinking about it. Stop supporting candidates, media outlets, talking heads, anyone who has a vested interest in keeping us divided, reactive, and unthinking...who has steeped their relevance in "otherizing"...who has pandered to you.

That's right...take the message of the guy or gal who you find MOST appealing and tear that person's platform apart. Do to him or her what you have been vigorously doing to the other candidates. Look for inconsistencies and hypocrisy. Look for empty platitudes. Look for the rhetoric that begins with a difference of opinion and ends with dehumanization of an individual or a group. Look for the promises -- both possible and improbable -- and consider how that person's priorities compare to your own. When you're done, look at what they've done and said in the past. Look at their unsanitized history, at the totality of who they are. What they have fought for and against...who they have surrounded themselves with...what they have demonstrated through action to be a priority. 

And then when you've picked them apart....everything about them from business deals, to old boyfriends, to college transcripts, to church memberships...once you feel like you know them and can adequately judge their worth as a candidate, imagine what people might believe about you if they could compile an internet dossier on your life. And imagine if they used it to judge your worth as a person. 

If you aren’t willing to apply the same process of critical thinking to your own deeply-held convictions that you apply to the deeply-held convictions of others, then I would invite you to ask yourself why you don’t have more faith those things you perceive to be truth. Why are the beliefs of the "other" subject to analysis but your beliefs are off-limits?