Word Vomit

The rabbit hole is so very deep today.

And it’s a little bit prickly – or I’m a little bit prickly – so the descent has been unpleasant.

Anyway, I’m not publishing what I just spent 2 hours writing…I’m going to publish whatever tumbles out of my brain during the next 30 minutes. I apologize if it’s rambling…but not really, because it’s my blog and I can write what I want.

Fall break is over. And now it’s the week before a swim meet. I’m going to quickly update you on things that went unwritten last week.

1. I have not done yoga every day. In fact, I have not done yoga even 10 times. It is safe to say that it has not become a habit…and may not ever. I sit in pigeon pose and put my legs up the wall after every run and I rest in child’s pose before bed many nights but there is no 30 minute yoga session every day. I’m sure it says something that I can’t be quiet or still or reflective – I can almost hear the penetrating questions…”Why do you suppose that is, Elise, that you don’t enjoy your own company more? What is it about the silence that frightens you so?” I will be ignoring all such questions or providing a completely unfiltered caustic response should one be directed at me. I will not be mincing words and they will cut you so beware.
2. I started 3 – THREE – different blog posts which I had to abandon because I just can’t think with Law & Order or NBA2K16 in the background. And when we turned those off…there was pacing. And grunting. And sighing. And bickering. Until I became the entertainment which means – you guessed it – me singing Whitney’s version of The Greatest Love of All as loud and off-key as I could manage. This sent them scattering to their rooms, but never long enough for me to formulate thoughts and put them on paper let alone edit and publish them. It was usually only enough time to do laundry or dishes. So at least that stuff is under control.
3. I have been religious about my running. It’s amazing how something that so many people see as a punishment is actually a form of therapy for me. My best runs last week were, in no particular order, (a) the one that made my heart feel like it was going to beat out of my chest and (b) the one that lasted an hour and a half during which almost stepped on a snake. 
4. I ate a whole bunch of sugar – well, a whole bunch for me. I ate a small bag of skittles and some sea salt caramel gelato and pancakes and couple of Jolly Ranchers. And I didn’t spiral into a sugar-binging frenzy so yay for that.
5. I didn’t get that job I interviewed for…twice. And it turns out that I’m really not upset about it. I actually am pleased to have met some really great people through the process. Any disappointment I feel stems from the realization that I really do want to go back to work but I don’t know what will be a good fit. I can’t describe the tension that exists between my confidence in my own abilities, and my resignation to the idea that I’m going to have start back at the beginning because I chose to sit out of the workforce for so long. It is clear to me that any volunteer work I’ve done – regardless of how intensive it may have been – will not carry the weight of a paying job in the eyes of a potential employer. So I guess I’m going to have to find a less-than-ideal job in an ideal organization so that I can build rapport and prove my abilities.

But not this week. This is a swim meet week and I am the Meet Director. This is one of those things that sounds better than it is. And it doesn’t sound that good. It’s one of those aforementioned intensive volunteer positions that no one values as job experience until they need me to do exactly what they want exactly when they want it…with a smile on my face and big thank you when I’m done. It feels like a job and I treat it like one because it’s important – to my kids and to their teammates. The only thing missing is the paycheck.

Tell me this doesn’t sound like a real job:

• I work for a board of directors.
• It will take 40+ hours this week (on top of an additional 40 over that last 2                      weeks) to perform.
• I cannot yell at people who deserve it.
• I cannot roll my eyes at people who want special favors.
• I have to meet multiple deadlines.
• The work will take priority over dinner for my family at least twice this week.
• At some point I will have to hide behind a locked door and take deep breaths.
• I will leave the pool later than intended – every day this week.  
• I will bite my own tongue literally to avoid making a snarky comment to                          someone who does not deserve it.
• I will say no to an offer of help because it will take longer to explain how to do something than it will take to do it myself.
• I will become borderline dehydrated from forgetting to drink water on both Saturday and Sunday.
• I will eat something very bad for me while thinking to myself just f*** it.
• I will panic about something important I forgot to do and then I will fix it.
• I will not get one (or some) of these blog posts written and I’ll feel resentful and guilty.
• I will get only 4 hours of sleep a couple of nights.

Sounds like a real job to me.

And then I will finish the Meet Director’s manual. That I am writing from scratch. Because I don’t want to do this forever and someday I might die and they’ll need someone to know how to make a heat sheet.

Which is what I’m going to go do now.

Tune in tomorrow when we will discuss people who don’t read their emails and then claim ignorance as an excuse.