I really hate that I have fiddle-farted around this morning
doing basically nothing and delaying the start of my “office hours”. House Hunters Renovation is the devil and it is completely
to blame for today’s late start to productivity.
I was going to
watch Rehab Addict -- just 30 minutes worth -- because it inspires me to look at things differently…to
restore something old…to create nothing from something…Ex Nihilo. But it wasn’t
on so I settled on HHR which was a mistake.
House Hunters always leaves me feeling
like humanity is lost forever.
I watch it feeling both inspired and disgusted at the same
time. I am inspired by creative design of space stretching my own capacity to see potential in things. But sometimes I am disgusted by the “characters”
into whom all the homebuyers are edited (because apparently irritating people make for good TV). The couples can’t agree on anything…I’m
sure they’re all headed straight for divorce court. They all want to purchase their
dream homes in the perfect school district with lots of land and a view of the Pacific Ocean for
about $75,000. The worst thing is that they have an inflated sense of what it means to “need”
things which they express in statements such as these:
“I have to have
stainless steel appliances and granite countertops.”
“I couldn’t possibly
use that bathroom the way it looks now.”
“I can’t live… that close to the freeway.
with
carpet in the living room.
without
a soaker tub.
with
the harsh 1980’s lighting.”
Have to have…couldn’t
possibly use…can’t live with. Strong
language in world where people sleep on concrete embankments under freeway overpasses
without indoor plumbing and electricity. Every night of their lives.
I could go on for days about the lack of perspective exhibited
on that show, but instead, I’m going to indict myself on similar charges of
using inappropriate language about the things I need or don’t need:
“I am starving,”…when I haven’t eaten in several hours.
“I need some new clothes for my job interview,”…when I
actually have more clothes than space in my closet.
“I. Can. Not. Deal with anymore… morning swim practices.
school
activity fees/emails/fundraisers.
questions
to answer.
dishes
to do…laundry to fold…dog hair to sweep…
Well…of course I’m not starving. I have plenty of food to
feed me and my family and occasionally, I have to throw food away because we let
it go bad. If I’m hungry after not eating for 5-6 hours, I can’t imagine what
it’s like to go 5-6 days. I don’t know what it feels like to worry that my
children won’t eat because I couldn’t make my two paychecks stretch to the end
of the month. I don’t know what it means to starve.
I don’t need any
new clothes. Yes, there are outdated items in my wardrobe and there are things
that I’ve had since college that should…under no circumstances…be worn in
public. But if I had to, I could piece together an interview outfit. I’ve never
sent my kids to school in clothes that are falling apart (except for the shoes
they outgrew in two weeks or the shirt that had a nervous hole chewed through
it…like a goat.) I have never been cold because I didn’t have enough to wear.
And all of that stuff I just
cannot deal with anymore? If I suddenly found myself dealing without them, it would be through something
far more tragic than me simply feeling overwhelmed. All the stuff…all the
nuisances…that come with having friends, family, education, a roof over my
head, healthy kids, and a sweet canine…I should feel thankful to manage those on
a daily basis. I do feel thankful
even when my words fail me and instead form statements and complaints that are
rooted in entitlement.
If I were to create
an inspirational online photo to illustrate this point, it would look like
this:
When I first saw this last week…I spent TWO WHOLE DAYS
thankful for the nasty dishes in the sink and the hot running water to wash
them. I relished the 30 solid minutes I had with my daughter on
Friday morning while we were getting ready for and driving to 5:00am swim
practice. I welcomed the requests for help or information that came from others
because they thought enough of me to ask…even when I couldn’t help, or didn’t know. It’s nice to be thought of as helpful (especially when you’re a bit of a
psychopath.)
Possibly the worst thing I’ve taken for granted lately is
the time on my hands…the gift of being able to control so much of it…and the
blessing that is leisure time. This new 30-day-challenge – 30 minutes of yoga
everyday – has really made me look at how I use time. It turns out I’m not a
very good steward of this precious resource. It turns out that, for me, it is
much more of a challenge to add
something to my daily routine than it is to subtract
something from my diet. As ridiculous as the sugar headache was, just figuring out
when to do 30 minutes of yoga has turned out to be just as absurd – and it’s not
about not having 30 minutes, it’s
about deciding which 30 minutes. Just between you and me...
I’ve already failed. 4 days down and I only did the first 2
days. Pretty sad.
I had time…I just forgot. Even as my back was screaming at
me for the way I was slouching in the chair watching TV. Even after talking with something about how I
needed to get off the phone and do yoga. Even though I found time for a nap both
days and fell asleep before 9pm both
nights. I thought about counting the naps as savasana but then I’d only be
cheating myself.
So this brings me to something that I hadn’t considered
before, what do I do if I miss a day? Should I start over again? Should I do an
hour and a half today or an hour for the next two days? Is it just about the time spent or is it about the developing the discipline to do something daily? Should I just forgive myself and move on because no one
cares?
I don’t have an answer for this. I’ll entertain suggestions.
I know lots of people with opinions so feel free to share. Just know that I’ll
also feel free to ignore them if I think they’re too punitive.
And now I am going
to go do yoga. Perhaps Yoga with Adriene has a sequence which promotes gratitude.
Seems like I could use it.
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