This is not me fishing for compliments, I'm just stating a fact. Not an empirical fact, mind you...I can't give you metrics to prove that he is kinder, more observant, less snarky, better at listening, more intentional, less crazy. It's hard to measure those qualities. I only have anecdotal evidence.
Like this...
My 15-year-old daughter wants to go get her learner's permit today. It involves taking a test and gathering about 800 documents to prove that she is indeed a 15-year-old human who is, in fact, our daughter and does live at our address which is in the State of Tennessee.
We are unconvinced that she has studied adequately for the test but she insisted she is ready even after we told her that if she didn't pass, she'd have to wait 30 days to go back and try again. We also worried about the documentation. She doesn't have a school ID because they stopped using them this year. She doesn't have a passport because we haven't unleashed her on the world yet. She doesn't have anything with a photo (aside from a child identification card that we were given about 4 years ago from the school photography people) and I lost all of our social security cards the last time I was required to present it to some official entity that needed us to prove our existence. The cards are somewhere, I just can't find them.
Which is the actual definition of the word lost.
So the girl has been texting back and forth with her father and me trying to make sure that we have precisely everything that we need so that she will be guaranteed an opportunity to take the test. She has also been texting me to call the DMV and make sure that we have what we need. I am not calling the DMV. I don't have the psychological makeup to deal with that personality type. It's a powder keg. This is one of those tasks that people do and then get all excited about having "adulted". I personally don't find that anyone behaves like an adult at the DMV. The interactions are only slightly more reserved then those in a street riot...also, there is a tall counter instead of a police barrier. The level of hostility and amount of tears is the same. I'm actually considering letting my driver's license expire the next time that I can't update it by mail because I am not mellowing with age and I fear that going inside and dealing with the people will result in jail time and or sutures.
But, we did get online and studied the full list of acceptable substantiating documents and put all of the ones we could find into a lovely folder. We are pretty confident that it creates an extremely easy-to-follow paper trail which proves we are exactly who we say we are and she is exactly who she says she is and that she is also exactly who we say she is. We also supplied the required school attendance form which has my name and driver's license. It's all there.
My husband made plans to pick her up and we thought everything was good. But then we each received a text: To my husband, she inquired if SHE (meaning ME) had called the DMV so we could be 100% sure we had everything we needed. To me, she simply said, "Have you called the DMV?"
These are our responses...
Husband: "If you are uncomfortable, we can wait 6 weeks for a replacement [social security card]. 100 percent sure? Never when it comes to government."
Me: "Didn't call but...Sent our marriage certificate so that they could see that the person on your attendance form is married to the person whose name is on the utility bill which proves our residency. We have your birth certificate. We have an insurance policy with our names and your name on it. Included your immunization form and optional school enrollment form which has your name, our address and your social security number on it. Essentially, your father will be carrying all the documentation necessary to steal all three of our identities. Anyone with 1/8 of a brain should have no trouble connecting the dots to prove your eligibility. And you only have to have 1/10 of a brain to work at the DMV.
Notice the subtle differences in parenting styles and world-views?
His was simple. Not overtly sarcastic and mostly neutral in terms of his generosity about the people. Government as an institution may be difficult but he didn't disparage the people there. He was realistic about expectations for the day while presenting a deeper life lesson that nothing is 100 percent certain. They will likely have a meaningful conversation about life's uncertainties while waiting in line at the DMV.
Mine...not simple. Dripping with sarcasm. Void of all generosity when it comes to the people she will encounter. Completely unrealistic because in truth this could easily not be good enough depending on what hardened, sadistic person they happen to encounter (see how I did it again? That's why I'm not the one taking her.) My words contained nothing profound about the nature of life or relationships. There was no wisdom. Not my finest moment.
I can only hope that my husband's influence will overshadow my own in this instance. Otherwise, one day in the near future, I will no doubt hear similarly snarky words come out of her mouth in reference to someone whom she considers to be unintelligent and/or inefficient. In truth, there is a better-than-50% chance that the target of her snark will be me.
Because...Karma.
And daughters.
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