I Don't Think This Word Means What You Think It Means

I have been fixating lately on the idea of the word “adulting” and how it’s been introduced into our lexicon as a verb. I don’t have a huge problem so much with its use as a different part of speech. Facebook turned “friend” into a verb and doubled-down by introducing the concept of “unfriending”. It’s not really that big a deal to me. Words and language change all the time. But I do take exception with the specific definition of adulting that I see or hear people using.

It just doesn’t resonate with me.

Most people use it in this way:

“Went to the post office, picked up the dog from the vet, got my oil changed, and my prescription filled ALL before closing on our brand new house this afternoon. I am crushing this adulting thing!”

Why? Because you can run errands? And do more than one in a day? WTF?

I’ve been doing most of these things moderately well for 20 years but not one of them makes me feel like an adult. I don’t wake up every morning and immediately sink into a funk as I realize, “Oh man, still an adult. I wish I was kid again so I didn’t have to go buy stamps.” I don’t really see my daily to-do list as a product of adulthood. It’s more than a set of responsibilities. I'm more likely to think, "Man, I hope there are no bullets or tears involved in my trip to the post office." My definition of adulting is when I successfully navigate daily tasks without emotionally for physically destroying myself or others while completing them.

Think about it. Monkeys can be taught to complete a sequence of tasks, but if they get frustrated, they might throw feces at you.

Children can complete a sequence of tasks…it’s actually a pretty important developmental milestone. But if you ask them to do it while their favorite TV show is on, or when they're about to head outside and shoot some hoops, they will argue for 3 times as long as it would have taken them to just shut up and get it done.

Adulting to me is all about how you manage the feces. 

Here is my highly scientific/mathematical definition of Adulting.

• Seeing the reality of what’s going on around me,
• Identifying where on the collective bullshit spectrum it falls, AND THEN
• Responding in a way that moves it toward or keeps it inside the “not bullshit” range, OR if I can’t do either
• Not allowing my personal BS to non-BS ratio to fall out of an acceptable range.

This is a daily struggle for me. On an annual basis, I’d like to think my personal BS ratio hovers around 80-20. But daily, it’s a total crap-shoot. On a good day, I strive to be the bigger person. On a bad day, I strive to be the smaller asshole.

My most difficult adulting challenges tend to be when I am behind the wheel of my car – especially in the carpool line. In the carpool line, my adulting strategy consists of counting to ten so that my head doesn’t explode when the car behind me touches my bumper as the driver stares at their cellphone. It also consists of breathing deeply when I encounter someone DWE – Driving While Entitled. You know, people who don’t have to pull forward to make space for the 200 cars behind them because their kid exits the first door and they are not budging. Or people who pass all 200 of those cars and proceed to nose their way into the line in front of you because…well, just because. 

Basically it means telling yourself that everyone is doing their very best at that moment (whether you believe it or not) and I am really good at doing this about 80% of the time. I do it, because I am hoping for the same kind of generosity the other 20% of the time. The moments in which I jump right into the BS pit and start throwing feces around. Some days, that is absolutely the best I can do.

I also struggle with adulting on the Internet…and I have seen that I am not alone. Adulting on Facebook is not a 700-word status update or comment about why I am right and everyone else is wrong. Nor is it trolling online news articles for headlines that I find offensive and then not reading them before I vent my very worst thoughts under the screen name BOLTCUTTER27. Both of these are clear-cut cases of steaming BS. Adulting on the Internet for me means not giving other people power over my public or private response, or if that strategy fails, not reading the comments and not visiting sites that I know are going to rile me up. It also means knowing that it is in my own best interest to just unsubscribe, unfriend, or block some people and pages from my news feed.

Or to not have a newsfeed at all.

So I welcome this new word into our lexicon. I think it has a place. But I don’t accept that it is about running errands. It’s more than that. Adulting is the struggle to keep my own personal BS in the 20% range and, to the extent possible, doing my part to keep the collective BS-meter 49% or less.

So maybe this for a status update about adulting.

"Navigated the carpool line and didn't give anyone the finger...went out to lunch and didn't make the server cry because there was mayonnaise on my sandwich...helped a child with math homework and didn't throw the book across the room. All this before watching the evening news and not drinking an entire bottle of wine. I am crushing this adulting thing."