You’ll remember when I left off yesterday that a dark pall
had befallen the land as I related the extraordinary plague and pestilence of our Black Friday shopping
excursion to you. I should mention that before we went to the outlet mall, my
husband and I had removed the Christmas tree – our pre-lit Christmas tree – from the attic and he had set it up in the family room and plugged it in. We’ve had this tree for
four years and for the last two, we have plugged it in with bated breath just praying
that this isn’t the year that some or all of the lights stopped working.
This was the year that we had been dreading.
The lights on
the bottom section of our 3-section tree were fine but from there on up was
just dark. I tugged out some obviously burned-out bulbs and actually made one additional strand light up. But as I pulled at others, I could make no more Christmas magic.
We knew then that we were going to have to deal with it. But first we went
shopping and that's where we pick up our story.
It's Saturday morning. The kids are at swim
practice and I decide to start unraveling the lights from the branches.
And darkness descended once again.
I can’t imagine what kind of sick, twisted, angry little
Christmas elf was responsible for attaching all those lights, but he was
thinking of me with hatred and vitriol as he did it. They were tied in knots,
tethered to each and every branch, wound about one another and there wasn’t a
single “end” to begin with -- there were dozens of "ends". It was like a Hydra. Each end led to
an intersection and each intersection was coiled around a branch and each
branch was wrapped in some sort of pipe cleaner that resembled bark. I really
can’t adequately describe the wrath that simmered inside me as I spent an hour
and a half unraveling the top section – the smallest section. I kept it from
bubbling over by reminding myself that the Christmas tree was central to my
favorite things about the holiday season.
See…as I have aged, the number of holiday traditions that I
enjoy have grown fewer and fewer. I do find this time of year stressful and too
commercialized. I enjoy very simple things like a fire in the fireplace with Christmas tunes on the stereo…a game
of Banana-grams after a meal with friends…a Christmas movie in our pajamas…and
my early morning coffee which I enjoy under my fleece snowflake blanket in the
dark family room with only the Christmas tree lights illuminating my space.
These are THE Christmas moments I cherish most. And the Christmas tree is lit in ALL of them.
So I have to just put on my big girls panties and get these lights untangled so I can string some up that work.
And so I did. The top section. And then I moved onto the
middle section and OH THE HUMANITY. Between the not running (of which I was into my fourth day by now) and the
pouring down rain outside and the football game on TV, I felt there was some invisible force determined to deliver me as many soul-crushing defeats as
possible. I actually believed that
this was being done to me. Not
rational I realize now (because I have gone for two runs since then and my sanity has been
restored), but wow did it feel real in the moment.
My husband helped me tackle the middle section after I
explained to him the importance of this tree to my personal well-being. I think
he knew that if he didn’t help, there was a chance that he might be killed in
his sleep.
By someone.
So we toiled. For 3 long hours – or however long a college
football game lasts. We started at kickoff and they took down the goal posts
about the same time we snipped off that last tangled mat of green wire from the
very last branch. I was telling a friend yesterday morning about the experience and
she said that she hoped we had at least put a Christmas movie or some Christmas
music on while we worked. I told her that we didn’t but that it was OK because
there was football on and a heart-warming performance by the “Rage Against Humanity
Ensemble Singers” playing in my head. Who needs Movies and Music when you have
your own mad melody and hostile harmony to keep you warm? Certainly not
me.
When we were done – our arms a shredded mess from the
constant jabbing from all the synthetic branches and our spirits heavy from the
hours of my ranting about the tiny angry bearded elf who had done this
or about the company that paid him to create such a jumbled mess that when the
lights went out we would just chuck the whole thing and buy a new tree. Yes, by the 3rd quarter, I was
sure it was a corporate conspiracy and even
though my back hurt and my arms looked like I had been in a fight with Freddy
Kruger, I was determined not to give any of
the artificial tree conglomerates the satisfaction of me buying anything that
they manufactured. EVER.
Now it was simply a matter of principle.
We reassembled the tree, strung new lights – in a far more
friendly and loving manner than the hostile elf had done – and plugged
everything in. It was dark outside now and still raining. The tree, even
without its ornaments, was immediately soothing. It was totally worth it and I
had, for the moment, beaten corporate America at its goodwill-annihilating
game.
Win. Win.
And now as I sit here…drinking my coffee…after an
invigorating 5-mile run…under my fleece blanket…in front of my perfectly-lit
Christmas tree. I realize how ridiculous it all was. The cortisol alone
probably trimmed 5 years off my life and for what? It’s Christmas. I’m supposed
to be joyful – filled with joy.
Sunday night…alone in the quiet family room next to my
perfectly-lit Christmas tree…I watched a Ted Talk by this neuroscientist named
Daniel Levitin about ways in which we can stay calm when we know ahead of time that there is the potential for stress. How
can we avoid making critical mistakes (like surrendering our own joy) in
stressful situations (like hours spent untangling burned-out Christmas tree
lights or when you choose to go on a
Black Friday shopping excursion)? What he suggested was a pre-mortem.
Like a post-mortem but before
the death of your good sense and best intentions.
I guess I had kind of tried that with my “let’s be someone
else while we shop” plan of action on Black Friday but we all know that trying to be something you’re
not isn’t usually successful…not in the best of situations and certainly not in
a fight or flight scenario. Probably the best thing to do to avoid making a
mistake when venturing out on Black Friday – at least for me – is to just not
do it at all.The shopping is the
mistake and it causes stress which leads to more mistakes. I’m not sure there is any amount of planning,
list-making, or Xanax that will make that an experience that I enjoy.
But what to do about the burned out lights?
I sit here looking at my tree with complete confidence that the original lights in the bottom section will not work when we
plug it in a year from now – if they even make it through the next 35 days. The
tag on the remaining original cord says 100 hours of usage and I know we have
more than exhausted that. Still, I have a year (or a couple of days) to decide
how I’m going to handle it when it happens. Probably should pop in that
Christmas movie – a funny one – and turn it way up to drown out the voices of
the Rage Against Humanity Ensemble singers who are perpetually ready to
perform. I think long sleeves will be in order too to protect my arms from the claw-like branches. And wine or beer will be a must. Because,
yes, the alcohol may indeed slow me down and ultimately make it take longer,
but it will also inhibit the anger which, for that few hours, will benefit
everyone in my immediate vicinity.
Pre-mortem. Check.
And now…on to the next 30-day challenge which has already begun.
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