We Don't Need No Stinkin' Rotors

Yesterday I mentioned in passing that my kids’ grades were their responsibility. I stand by that. So allow me to tell you what that means to me.

• I don’t do my kids’ homework for them. It’s hard. And sometimes “helping” with homework is physically painful – tight chest, sharp pain in both temples, nausea. Most of those feelings are a result of the restraint I’m using to not just do it for them so it we can all go to bed.
• When I edit writing assignments at the teacher’s request, I don’t rewrite what they’ve written. I underline punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors. (The Oxford comma will live to see another day through my children.) We discuss what I’ve underlined and they make the corrections. And I only agree to edit something after they’ve edited it at least once themselves.
• I do not stay up all night the evening before a project is due to glue plastic figurines into shoeboxes, nor do I make midnight trips to Fedex/Kinkos to have papers professionally-bound. I have found that all (but one) of my kids projects have been assigned far enough in advance to be completed by them without scurrying around at the last minute. The only time I stepped in and broke my own rules was for a 6^th grade project assigned to my daughter which was college-level, completely ridiculous, and based upon a subject which had not been taught by the teacher. And after we turned in the project – I dealt with that situation (pretty much alone) so no one would ever have to deal with it again.
• I don’t check homework to make sure they’ve done it or for accuracy.
• I don’t pore over the emails from my kids’ teachers which outline the weekly syllabus.
• I don’t check their grades online. EVER. I receive a mid-term progress report and an end-of-term report card.
• I do not argue with teachers about grades or project rubrics (except for the one I mentioned) or homework – if my kids have a legitimate beef or question about something it is their job to ask their teacher for clarification or help. They must be able to communicate with other adults.

In short, going to school is their job. Any accountability for success should be theirs. I was once a student and being a student is how I learned to take responsibility for my work. I want to afford them that same opportunity to learn not just subject matter, but how to take care of business.

The following things are my job as the parent:

• Feed them the food they need to fuel their brains and bodies
• Provide them with study space and time to get their work done at home
• Procure school supplies
• Make sure they get enough sleep
• Signing permission slips
• Allow them free time to goof off
• Making sure they have clothes that fit – they are responsible for making sure they are clean.
• Support teachers and administrators (teacher appreciation, reasonable fundraising, conferences when necessary, class party assistance when appropriate)
• Make sure they know that although school is important, nothing they achieve there (grades, test scores, or awards) should determine their worth as a human being

The rest is up to them.

Now, I’m not judging those who do more. In my mind (and sometimes with my unfiltered mouth) I can be pretty critical of helicopter parents. I don’t understand the hovering and I have been guilty of speaking out against this thing that I don’t understand.

What I do understand, though, is that the cost of failure these days – of allowing our kids to fail so they can learn from it – seems like it’s significantly higher than it used to be and that may be why some parents feel the need to possibly overstep the boundaries of their role.

• Failing to qualify for the gifted program in 1^st grade puts you behind many of your peers from the age of 6. So it might seem reasonable to spend 5 hours a day reviewing popcorn words when they’re in preschool or introducing Algebra to a Kindergartener
• Failing to turn in a report or project on time could significantly impact a student’s grade which could in turn affect that student’s eligibility for a more rigorous college prep program. So it might seem reasonable to run around all night to help them finish on time – even if the urgency of the situation was the result of their own procrastination.
• Failing to adhere to a school’s social media policy could get a kid suspended for 3 days and the work missed can’t be made up. So it might seem reasonable to march up to the office and demand that your child be given special treatment because she didn’t really mean what she said. She’s a good kid and she was raised to know better.

Forget that all of these lessons speak louder and stronger than words could ever hope to. There is so much risk in failure.

And it’s not just failure for kids that comes with a high cost. For teachers, administrators, and schools, failure to demonstrate progress (standards for which are assigned by people who are not responsible for doing the educating) can mean being demoted, otherwise sanctioned, terminated or completely turned over to State governments or Charter School corporations. The pressure is enormous if they are going to maintain any autonomy. And this pressure gets passed down to our children from a very early age:

• Make straight A’s
• Behave perfectly
• Read above grade level
• Score in certain percentile on your standardized tests
• Get 10 hours of sleep a night
• Never be tardy for your first class at 7am – or any class
• Take the ACT when you 12
• Excel at a sport and a fine art
• Join every club
• Build your resume

Basically, do all of things that most adults haven’t achieved in a lifetime and do them before you go off to college. Well no wonder parents feel like they need to hover…our kids are being saddled with responsibilities that seem very adult-like. It’s only natural that we would want to help them out.

But are we really helping?

I love my kids and every challenge and victory, large or small, has been a gift in one way or another. With this in mind, I recognize that the overall challenge is teaching them how to not be helpless and/or entitled adults and the ultimate victory will be when they have left my house and can take care of themselves. 

The goal is independence.

When I do their work for them, I’m building an obstacle to achieving this goal. And what’s it going to get me?

• Someone who can’t communicate with the authority figures in their lives
• Someone who can’t take constructive criticism
• Someone who can’t complete a project in college or the workplace without help
• Someone who thinks that everything should be easily achieved without work or resistance
• Someone who can’t learn from their mistakes or failures
• Someone living in your basement as an adult

So I choose the risk instead. Give me B’s. Give me low grades or zeros on late assignments. Give me a hungry kid who left her lunch on the kitchen counter and didn’t want to eat the “gross” cafeteria lunch. Give me a kid who gets suspended for saying a curse word. Give me a kid who loses a 50 races, games, contests, scholarships, or awards on their own instead of a kid who wins them all because I did the work.

I need them to change my diapers one day and the only way they’ll be prepared to deal with my s*** is if they start learning now how to deal with their own. 

But just as the Bible and The Byrds say, to everything there is a season...and there are seasons and reasons to hover. I'll talk about where I love to interfere tomorrow.